Pushin’ On
October 14th is a day I’ll always remember. It was the day my life changed forever. In a split second, I went from a healthy teenager, happily in her second year of nursing school, to someone whose body was broken beyond repair. Thrown out of a saddle and into the air as an angry child would toss a rag doll, I somersaulted through the air until I crashed hard into a tree and fell limp and lifeless onto the ground beneath it.
It’s been fifty-three years since the day that will be forever etched in my mind. Fifty-three years since I’ve stood up and walked, or run, or climbed up a set of stairs. But it’s not all the things I haven’t been able to do that I dwell on. Instead, I choose to focus on everything I’ve been able to do throughout the years while using a wheelchair for mobility. God has been gracious, good, and kind to empower me in my weakness and faithful to encourage me on the days I lose hope. He has never left me, abandoned, or forsaken me. Each morning speaks to me of his unfailing love, as I trust Him more and more.
As I look back on God’s generosity throughout the past forty-five of these fifty-three years, my greatest gift and grace has been my beloved husband, Tim. It takes a special person to make the choice to spend the rest of their life with someone who has a physical disability. In a sense, my limitations have become his limitations. The architectural barriers I encounter are his barriers too, as we often have to enter buildings through back doors and freight elevators. We’ve encountered so many issues with hotels over the years, traveling has lost its charm.
I wouldn’t have begun to experience the life I’ve lived if it weren’t for Tim. He truly embodies the words of John who tells us in 1John 3:16, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” Tim has given up so much of his life so I can live mine. And for this, I’ll love him forever.
The birth of our son, Matthew Tobias, was truly a miracle and something I never thought would happen. Even at forty-three years old, I thank God everyday for the gift of being Toby’s mom. He too, has been impacted by my disability. He once asked me, “Mom, does it bother you that people are always staring at you?” “Do they?”, I replied. To be honest, I never noticed. From being dumped out of my lap once when he was 18 months old, to a complete role-reversal as an adult, lugging my wheelchair up steps and lifting me in and out of Uber cars in Italy, I’m grateful for him everyday. His kindness and compassion for his fellow humans comes from a deeply tender heart, and he will always hold a special place in mine.
To all my friends who have journeyed with me down this disability trail, thank you for the times you’ve had to help me into cars, take apart my wheelchair and put it in the back of the car - just for lunch and shopping! To those who have joined me in my spiritual walk to grow closer to God and see Him more clearly, thank you for spurring me on to dig deeper so I can learn how to love better. I’m still a work in progress, but iron sharpens iron, and I’m so thankful for those who continue to push me into deeper waters and not let me give up.
God wasn’t ‘picking on me’ or punishing me the day my horse hit the trail. He chose me. He entrusted me with this disability. He is always holding onto my right hand, gently whispering into my spirit and soul, “I’ve never let you go, nor will I now.”
Some days are harder than others, as I struggle with the usual age-related ailments we all experience. On those days, I remind myself this isn’t forever. I have no idea how many more days God will allow me to live on this earth. He’s already exceeded the number of years I ever thought would be possible. But until He’s ready to call me to my forever home, I pray I can remain faithful to what He’s called me to do here: love Him and love others. I guess I could say I’ll just keep pushin’ on.
